FIGHT MODE IS ON

I'm in a duel now. My opponent is as old as I am, but stronger. It's none other than my mind, which is filled with memories - the great hunter of all time.

Depression is a mental illness. Now I'm depressed to the core, struggling to find stability. This note is for you dear friend, those who repeatedly text and call me which were went unanswered. Also to those who mock at my WhatsApp status or blog posts (I’m sure that was not your fault). 

I don't know how many of you will understand my present state. I always considered myself strong and determined, even though I'm very vulnerable and impulsive in real life. You know me as a rude, stubborn, and arrogant person only.

I never knew the differences between even simple things like reactions and responses. I always reacted (which were based on emotions), but never responded. I spit out whatever comes into my mind. never gave a second thought to hold or hide. But I successfully hid myself.

I understand I used my arrogant nature as a weapon to hide the real me. I realise, knowingly or unknowingly, my behaviour hurt many.

I didn't know how toxic I were. I never wished to hurt anyone, but it happened. I regret it. My apologies.

After months of struggling and consultations with psychologists and psychiatrists, I'm trying hard to stabilise me. Earlier, as I said, I went through many tough days, but I managed to hold, boost, charge, motivate, uplift myself... I never said I'd give up. I was a fighter then.  

I hugged myself during my loneliness, even now while sleeping, I hug myself as if I were in a defensive mode.

I wish to come back. I wish to be more energetic. I wish to be a strong, rude man (not to hurt anymore). I want to be the same old fighter, friend, journalist, reader, painter, writer, traveller, listener, teller,...

I’m not sure when and whether it would be.  It may take time, as the doctor said. Maybe more than I could imagine. I may or may not come back. I know a few are worried and tensed about me. I know you people have lost your sleep for the last couple of weeks, lost your peace. I'm not saying any big thanks to you dears.

I may not be updating anymore. I will quit or suspend my social media accounts. Perhaps even WhatsApp. Otherwise, I'll post something that will upset some. I may continue blogging (I'm not sure at all). If I do, both my blogs might blossom with some depressing sentences. Since I cant suspend my memories and thoughts.

So, dears, let this folk sleep for a while. I hope not the final!

I'll try and fight for another innings. Remember, I’m not an optimist or a pessimist. Ultimately, it is

Xpect tHe unXpected