Wavy water

They threw pebbles into the flowing river.

It penetrated into the deep blue.

The surface was broken.

Circular waves disturbed the top.

They were happy to see the waves. 

Without knowing the pain of being broken.

.....

(261022)

FIGHT MODE IS ON

I'm in a duel now. My opponent is as old as I am, but stronger. It's none other than my mind, which is filled with memories - the great hunter of all time.

Depression is a mental illness. Now I'm depressed to the core, struggling to find stability. This note is for you dear friend, those who repeatedly text and call me which were went unanswered. Also to those who mock at my WhatsApp status or blog posts (I’m sure that was not your fault). 

I don't know how many of you will understand my present state. I always considered myself strong and determined, even though I'm very vulnerable and impulsive in real life. You know me as a rude, stubborn, and arrogant person only.

I never knew the differences between even simple things like reactions and responses. I always reacted (which were based on emotions), but never responded. I spit out whatever comes into my mind. never gave a second thought to hold or hide. But I successfully hid myself.

I understand I used my arrogant nature as a weapon to hide the real me. I realise, knowingly or unknowingly, my behaviour hurt many.

I didn't know how toxic I were. I never wished to hurt anyone, but it happened. I regret it. My apologies.

After months of struggling and consultations with psychologists and psychiatrists, I'm trying hard to stabilise me. Earlier, as I said, I went through many tough days, but I managed to hold, boost, charge, motivate, uplift myself... I never said I'd give up. I was a fighter then.  

I hugged myself during my loneliness, even now while sleeping, I hug myself as if I were in a defensive mode.

I wish to come back. I wish to be more energetic. I wish to be a strong, rude man (not to hurt anymore). I want to be the same old fighter, friend, journalist, reader, painter, writer, traveller, listener, teller,...

I’m not sure when and whether it would be.  It may take time, as the doctor said. Maybe more than I could imagine. I may or may not come back. I know a few are worried and tensed about me. I know you people have lost your sleep for the last couple of weeks, lost your peace. I'm not saying any big thanks to you dears.

I may not be updating anymore. I will quit or suspend my social media accounts. Perhaps even WhatsApp. Otherwise, I'll post something that will upset some. I may continue blogging (I'm not sure at all). If I do, both my blogs might blossom with some depressing sentences. Since I cant suspend my memories and thoughts.

So, dears, let this folk sleep for a while. I hope not the final!

I'll try and fight for another innings. Remember, I’m not an optimist or a pessimist. Ultimately, it is

Xpect tHe unXpected

'R's of life

Ten 'R' exercises in life one must do with others !

Reciprocate
Review
Redefine
Realise
Rejoice
Regret
Reborn
Retract
Ramble
Rest in peace !!!

(141022)

Face off with life

Doctor told
You are allergic to drugs.
A minute quantity can stop your heart.
I trusted him.

I swallowed four tablets.
To have and to allow peace.
Breathing was heavy.
My head was whirling 
Words were broken.
The eyes were half-closed.
I was happy.

Then, I vomited.
Fuck !
Death didn't kiss my heart.
Pain left.
Don't trust the doctor.
Sometimes they, too, are brutes.
.....
(091022)

Hoping the tree would rain even after the storm...

Mental conditions always influenced writings. The emotions, feelings, thoughts, or anxieties experienced have been translated into words. It can be depression, despair, sadness, loss, guilt, or even a death wish.

The thought of failure in life makes one feel hopeless, and plunges one into the colourless valley of depression and later into the black gorge of death. When all attempts to survive are futile, and there is not even a stretching hand to save, then where is the recourse?

You are frequently unaware of your mind's rhythm. Even if you know, you may not be able to agree. Medicines or chants are often not able to bring those rhythms back.

It is impossible to heal the wounds of the mind without realising why and when they happened. Hundreds of scratches can also result in large lesions, like a hundred thousand single trees standing together to form a big forest.

No medicine can heal such wounds. Instead, it can just be a chemical mixture that makes them forget. Many wounds could be of years old. Each one has a moving story to tell. It can be the dark scars of neglect, pent-up grief, and pain.

No matter how dry the wound is, it will not go away. It always wanted someone's attention, a strong belief that they will not give up on you. Only such a hand can be a pain reliever.

Every time I lay down and writhed in that burn that went deep to the bottom of my mind, I looked for coldness. Knowingly and unknowingly, I often hurt the shade trees. But, deep inside, I longed for a cool shower, hoping the tree would rain even after the storm...

Without knowing, expectations are the heaviest coffin...

A bliss by choice...

No race is infinite

Many pit stops in between.

No road is straight.

Numerous diversions in between.

No journey is long.

Because life is so brief,

Only a shot away.

Death is not always a curse, 

But bliss. 

A bliss by choice, not by option...!!! 

.....

(041022)

 

The pain

Which is the biggest pain on earth?
Chest pain? Back pain?
No.
It's the pain you feel when you are ignored.
Ignored by those whom you love.
There would be no medicine to heal.
No drink, no smoke, no drug can help you.
It will certainly kill you.
Have you ever experienced it?
Yes, I did hundred times. 
And, I died for thousands of days..!

(And even killed hundreds)

.....

(021022)

The journey so far..

I walked through the beautiful streets

The roads were paved with granites 

I walked as if I'm the master.

I ignored those who beautified my way.

Insulted some, scolded many.

But I enjoyed my walk. 

Desperate people ran away from me.

I didn't care though.

I walked for kilometers. 

The road was empty and dark.

I was alone.

And it scared me a bit.

A kind fear began to engulf,

Which I never experienced before

I felt drained and exhausted.

I realised my foolishness 

I repelled those who stood with me, 

Those who cared, those who loved...

I showered all my anger at them.

They hanged on, in vain. 

Finally, but not late, 

I realise my mistakes

The damage is irrevocable. 

I admit.   

But the road is still halfway. 

Let the journey continue.

Not alone, but together.

Not as master and slaves,

But as equals.

The road is still halfway...

.................

(011022)

SCARY SCARS

Some days in life will remain as a scar forever. Days filled with anxiety, uncertainty, and insecurity. Everyone on this mother earth might have gone through a few such days. Those days started with happiness and ended up in a heartbreak.

We can speak very elaborately on each such day for hours. We can talk and weep. Those days were those which made us feel unwanted. Life is then hell. 

These were some really horrible days which could be translated into a good story. Perhaps not in detail, but self-explained..

Day 1:

At a faraway place, they gathered with a 'big plan'.  A group of friends wrote and nicely executed a conspiracy story 

Day 2:

That day, received an apology letter from  a 'non existed' man asking for another chance 

Day 3:

That was the day of silence, before the blast... 

Day 4:

Amid all busy schedule , walked into a public telephone booth to ring an imaginary character... 

Day 5:

Bearing an anxious heart, travelled back with a smiling masked face.. 

Day 6:

The day was filled with silence packed melodrama... 

Day 7: 

The day was more of turbulent in nature without any calls or sms... 

Day 8: 

Unlike the drink, the news was hot. But the reaction was cold... 

Day 9: 

Wetted receiver listened to the weeping story... 

Day 10:

Indefinite silence...

Day 11:

An abrupt end with a short message... 

The rest were the days of suffering and struggling to survive... 

But, nothing could ever change the way that I feel about you... 

🙂